It’s one of those days that are familiar only to those suffering from autoimmune diseases. Only chronic patients will be able to relate. You know those days when you’re too tired to stand up, talk, or do anything for that matter. When your only desire is to crawl under the rock (a pile of blankets that is) and hide from the world?
Here’s the thing. I recently started working from home. I love it as it’s fulfillment of my lifelong dream, but it requires discipline. I’m just at the beginning of my path still looking for new clients, and have like a million ideas in my head and deadlines to catch up… and then a day like this holds me back.
I fucking hate it. I really do. To make it clear, I do NOT feel sorry for myself nor do I want pity. I will do my job. All of it. I always do. But I find it so hard to accept that I’m not well. I’m unable to relax and give myself a break. So instead of taking a day off and get some rest, I put tons of pressure on myself.
Can’t truly remember when was the last time I took time for myself and just sat on the couch, ate like a little piggie and did nothing. Probably back in elementary school when Fridays over at my best friend were the highlight of the week. We’d have horror movies marathons and ate our weight in sweets.
Or when I had no problem sitting down for hours and hours doing nothing. I was playing Sims like the world’s destiny depended on it. Or I was wasting time watching TV. And I didn’t care at all.
Times have changed drastically. These days I feel bad for not being busy 24/7. It doesn’t matter how tired and exhausted I am. I always push myself to the limit. To make matters more interesting I also started a new therapy not long ago, and like usual I’m experiencing all the side effects.
I think you have to have a special talent for this. I manage to fail at every therapy and piss off my doctors. Oh, the stories I have to tell. Maybe I should start blogging about that? 🙂 What I’m seriously contemplating right now is blogging about how this therapy goes.
But I also need to learn again how to take it easy and how to take a better care of myself. I have to learn how to feel not guilty and take time to recover, rest and relax.